It’s easy to realize that keeping up with friends can get tricky as we age. What’s not easy to notice is cutting them off unintentionally.
This tendency undeniably sneaks up on us. One moment you’re inseparable with your buddies, the next; life has you at a distance.
The thing is, there are subtle behaviors associated with this unconscious friend-letting-go phenomenon. Cleverly observing can give you a hint when you or someone else is unknowingly doing it.
And so, I have highlighted 7 signs to identify this ‘aging but drifting away’ behavior. Trust me, recognizing these can save a friendship before it’s too late.
1) Prioritizing solitude
There’s no doubting how vital solitude can be for personal growth. But, when chosen at the expense of friendships, it tends to raise eyebrows.
As we get older, quiet solo experiences often become more appealing. This is normal. But if you find your ambitions rescheduling every group hangout, it’s time for a check.
Does your recluse lifestyle keep cutting into your friend-time? If yes, you might be unconsciously drifting from your pals.
Keep in mind, balancing solitude and social life is a delicate art. Reflect on this pattern to ensure you are not unintentionally pushing friendships aside.
2) Consistent unavailability
I remember my once best-friend, Sam. We had an unwavering friendship, a bond that seemed unbreakable. But as we got older, things started to change. Work and family began to take our time. No problems with that. Life happens, right?
The peculiar part was that whenever I tried to reach out, to catch a break over coffee or just chat online, Sam was almost always unobtainable. It was always a ‘next time,’ or ‘rain check,’ until there was no further time.
I noticed this consistent unavailability was not just a Sam-thing. Some friends started showing the same trait as life got busier.
Sadly, it’s one common behavior where folks unknowingly detach from once cherished relationships. Admittedly, we might have more adulting stuff on our plates. Regardless, if you find yourself constantly unavailable, you might be unconsciously severing ties with old friends. Punctuating the cycle of busy schedules with pockets of friendly meetings keeps the nostalgia alive.
3) Decreased emotional intimacy
Emotional intimacy is a key element in maintaining deep friendships. It’s the feeling of comfort you have with someone to share both your highs and lows without fear of judgment.
Research by the American Psychological Association shows that as individuals age, they become more selective about who they open up to emotionally. This is known as socioemotional selectivity theory.
It’s not to say that being selective about who you share your deepest fears or joys with is a bad thing. But, when we begin to restrict our emotional openness only to our immediate family or partners, we may inadvertently push our friends away without realizing it.
If you find that you’re less inclined to discuss personal matters with friends, it might be that you’re unintentionally distancing. Reflecting on this behavior and fostering emotional intimacy with your friends ensures that you maintain those important bonds.
4) Reduced common interests
Remember the time when your gang was all about baseball, or clubbing every weekend, or binge-watching movies? Shared interests are the glue that holds friendships together.
However, you may notice that over time, your interests begin to diverge from those of your friends. One day, you’re all excited about the same things, the next; you can’t seem to find overlapping hobbies or passions.
Now, this is neither bad nor peculiar. It’s part of growing up. Different interests might creep in. Families would come, and priorities change.
But, if left unchecked, this divergence can create silent distances in friendships. If you’re finding it tough to resonate with friends on common interests, it might be time to find new shared activities that can bring you closer.
Those good old days might change, but the value of shared experiences never gets outdated. And who knows? Exploring new interests together could even give your friendship a fresh breath of life.
5) Disinterest in reaching out first
There was a time when I wouldn’t hesitate to pick up the phone and call my friends, or be the one to arrange for us to socialize. I was always keen on keeping the momentum going.
But as time went by, I noticed a change. I began to feel a strange reluctance to be the one to reach out first. It felt like a chore or an obligation, and losing that natural eagerness was a clear red flag for me.
This behavioral change sneaks up silently. You might not even notice until you find yourself thinking, “Why isn’t anyone calling me?” Unknowingly, you might have stopped reaching out, leaving your friends in a similar dilemma.
There’s no scorekeeping in friendship. If you detect the hesitancy to reach out first, know that it could be a sign of unintentional drift. After all, reaching out is an essential part of keeping the communication channels open and friendships alive.
6) Neglecting to return calls or messages
In the digital age, it’s never been easier to stay connected. Yet ironically, it’s never been easier to ignore or forget to return a call or message. It’s a common sign of drifting away silently from friends.
We’ve all been there, reading a message in a rush, making a mental note to reply later, but then life happens, and we forget about it. It’s a familiar cycle, but when repeated frequently, it can harm friendships.
Not responding unintentionally sends the message of indifference. It gives the impression that you’re not interested in communicating.
Once in a while is fine. But, if you notice it becoming a habit, take a moment to reflect. Putting a system in place to ensure you respond to pals, even when you’re busy, can stave off this type of unforeseen friend-drift.
7) Feeling a sense of relief when plans are cancelled
This last sign is crucial. Imagine this: you’ve been meaning to meet an old friend for weeks. You’ve made plans, set a date, but when the day comes, an unexpected change pops up, and the meet is cancelled.
Is your immediate reaction one of disappointment… or relief?
Feeling a sense of relief over dissolved plans is a subtle sign that you might be cordially distancing yourself from friends. You might not wish for it, but deep down, you’re somewhat glad when it happens.
Watch out for this unconscious reaction as it can provide an insightful peek into your true feelings about maintaining your friendships. Are you genuinely invested, or are you unknowingly pulling away?
Recognize these instances, because your feelings about keeping friendships intact start with your reactions to such simple situations. In understanding these nuances, you will become better equipped to conserve and nurture your connections before unintentional drifting occurs.
The Crux of Connection
Human relationships, particularly friendships, are incredibly complex, beautiful, and crucial for our overall happiness and well-being. They’re a mirror to our growth and a testament to our social adaptability.
As we navigate through life and its various phases, our friendships evolve too. Our desire to foster relationships and stay connected is intertwined with our personality, values, life stage, and perhaps, even biochemistry.
Research in psychology denotes a phenomenon known as ‘Dunbar’s number.’ It approximately suggests that humans can maintain only about 150 stable relationships. Simply because of our brain’s capacity concerning time and emotional energy.
With the practical limitations of life and the human capacity, it’s inevitable that not all friendships will always remain close. We may indeed drift from some friends. And in most cases, it’s a natural progression and nothing deeply troubling.
Yet, it’s essential to be aware of our actions and behaviors to ensure we aren’t inadvertently letting go of friendships that add value and joy to our lives.
We have an inherent need to connect, to share, to belong – it’s what makes us social beings.
So, as we mature and our friendships mature along with us, let’s be vigilant. Let’s honor these connections that have shaped us, comforted us, and enriched our lives in countless ways.
After all, we are, undeniably, the stewards of our own relationships.