The line between caring for someone and gaslighting them can be alarmingly thin.
Gaslighting, a form of manipulation, is a strategy used to make someone question their reality, often coated as ‘care’. And here’s the kicker – the signs are far from obvious.
How, you ask? Well, they’re often presented as kind-hearted sentences, making it tricky to spot. But fear not, because I’ve got you covered.
Let me introduce you to the 10 deceptive phrases that may seem caring but are actually subtle signs of gaslighting. Buckle up, because this could be an eye-opening read.
1) You’re too sensitive
Imagine you’re in an argument, things get heated and suddenly, you hear “You’re too sensitive”. Sounds like a harmless comment, right? Well, it’s not – it’s a classic gaslighting phrase.
The goal here is to make you question your feelings, as if being upset or emotional is abnormal, thereby diverts attention from the initial argument.
The phrase “You’re too sensitive” can easily be mistaken as a caring comment due to its non-confrontational demeanour. However, it’s often utilized to manipulate you into thinking that your reactions are disproportionate, leading you to doubt your emotions.
The key here is to stay attentive. Remember that your feelings are valid, and it’s okay to express them. It’s a subtle sign of gaslighting that we should acknowledge and address. So next time you find a phrase like this dismissing your feelings, realize you might just be a victim of gaslighting.
2) I was just joking
Let me share a personal experience. A while back, a friend constantly used the phrase “I was just joking”. It always came after they said or did something that upset me.
At first, I shrugged it off, thinking it was lighthearted banter, but over time, I began to notice the pattern. Anytime I expressed my discomfort, they’d quickly dismiss it and stated it was “just a joke”, implying that I was overreacting.
This use of humor is a subtle mask for gaslighting. The phrase “I was just joking” is aimed at belittling someone and making them feel insecure, while pretending it wasn’t meant to harm.
In my case, it made me question whether I was being oversensitive or lacked a sense of humor. It’s a form of manipulation, inflicting self-doubt and keeping you off-balance. So, keep your ears open for this phrase. It may seem harmless, but it could be a subtle sign of gaslighting.
3) You’re making things up!
Picture this scenario. You raise an important issue in a conversation only to be met with, “You’re making things up!” Sounds dismissive, doesn’t it？
In psychological terms, this is often referred to as “denial”. Denial, when used skillfully, can subtly introduce a form of gaslighting, making you question your own memory or judgement.
You might be surprised to learn that some psychological studies suggest denial is one of the commonest tools used in gaslighting. It sows seed of uncertainty, causing enough self-doubt to skew your perception of events.
Phrases like “You’re making things up!” can effectively repress truth, causing you the victim, to question your own sanity. It’s important for us to recognize this tactic and confront it as a sign of gaslighting.
4) You always misunderstand me
“You always misunderstand me” – A line that has often been used as a defense mechanism in a conversation turned sour. But what if it’s more than just a defensive phrase?
Being constantly told that you’re misunderstanding or misinterpreting actions and words can make you second-guess your ability to perceive reality correctly.
This tendency to shift blame by accusing you of constantly misunderstanding the person is a classic tactic deployed for gaslighting. The perpetrator subtly makes it seem like the issue is not with their actions or words, but with your interpretation.
It’s crucial to recognize this phrase and its implications. Remember, it’s not always you, sometimes it’s them trying to gaslight you. So, be watchful for this covert sign.
5) Why can’t you ever remember?
Ever heard this question – “Why can’t you ever remember?” If you find yourself being asked this often, it might not just be a comment on your memory.
This is a classic gaslighting tactic known as memory distortion, where a person’s recollection of events is deliberately altered or denied.
The aim is to make you feel like your memory isn’t reliable, leading you to doubt your ability to accurately recall past events. This especially hits hard as memory is fundamental to one’s sense of self and grounding in reality.
This phrase, disguised as concern, can be an insidious tool in the hands of the gaslighter. When you come across it, stop and think. Was your memory really falling short, or are you a victim to this subtle gaslighting tactic?
6) I’m doing this for your own good
‘I’m doing this for your own good’ – A phrase often delivered with a sigh and sombre eyes, making it sound like the speaker’s intentions are nothing but genuine love and concern. But could there be more to it?
While sometimes true, this phrase can also be employed as a subtle form of gaslighting, a shroud to manipulate and gain control, all under the guise of ‘care’.
It manipulates you into thinking that any feelings of discomfort or hurt you might have are for your own growth and well-being, making it harder for you to recognize the manipulation.
Of course, things that are genuinely for your well-being can be uncomfortable. However, using this phrase to justify harmful or diminishing behaviour, that’s where the line gets crossed. It treads on your emotional boundaries, manipulating your sense of self-worth and autonomy.
We must remind ourselves that care doesn’t frequently cause pain and distress. If it does, it might be a sign of gaslighting under a veil of concern. Remember, it’s okay to question – it could be the key to recognizing gaslighting.
7) You’ve changed
There was a time when a loved one kept repeating “You’ve changed,” and it didn’t feel like they were saying it out of concern.
This phrase was often used whenever there was a disagreement or whenever I did anything that was against their preference. It felt like this was their way of making me feel bad about standing up for myself, making me question my development and growth.
Phrases like “You’ve changed” can imply that change is negative, something to be ashamed of – a subtle gaslighting trick to make you feel guilty about personal growth, manipulate you into reverting to a more ‘controllable’ version of yourself.
If you ever come across this phrase being used in the same way, don’t be afraid to keep growing and standing up for yourself. Change is a part of life, and nothing to be ashamed of. But do be aware that it could be a subtle sign of gaslighting.
8) I didn’t mean to hurt you
“I didn’t mean to hurt you” – On the surface, it seems like a simple apology, right? An expression of regret after an argument or a heated discussion. But, what if it’s not always as innocent as it sounds?
The phrase, when overused, can become a powerful gaslighting tool. Its repetitive use, especially without any change in behavior, builds a scenario where hurtful actions or words are constantly excused and minimized.
Though it may seem like it’s empathetic, it instead deflects blame and offers a disguised form of manipulation, making the victim feel as if they’re overreacting to unintentional offenses.
Pay close attention to this phrase’s context and recurrence; it might be hiding a gaslighting tactic in the cloak of an apology.
9) You always overreact
We’ve all heard “You always overreact” at some point – maybe from a friend, family, or partner. They make it sound as though reacting to something that disturbs you is a character flaw.
However, it’s less about your overreaction and more about dismissing your feelings or responses. This is a common gaslighting tactic, aimed at making you feel that your emotions are exaggerated, and that you aren’t entitled to feel hurt or upset.
This dismissive phrase suppresses your feelings and makes you question the validity of your emotions.
Be aware of this gaslighting tactic. Your feelings are valid and your reactions are your own. Just remember, no one should make you feel as if you’re “overreacting”. This phrase could be a veiled gaslighting tactic.
10) Trust me, I know what’s best for you
“Trust me, I know what’s best for you” – an assertion masked as care and concern. This might be the single most important thing you need to scrutinize when evaluating possible gaslighting.
With this phrase, the gaslighter seeks to establish control by assuming the authority on what’s best for you. It may make you question your judgement, disempower you and make you more reliant on them for decisions.
The person saying this may justify their actions as being ‘in your best interest’, but real care doesn’t involve taking away your autonomy or making you doubt your ability to judge and decide for yourself.
Everyone has a right to make decisions for themselves based on their needs and desires. Someone else claiming to know better than you about your own life could be the most crucial red flag of gaslighting. Remember to hold onto your right to make decisions about your own life and trust your instincts.